So I am challenged to actually put into words what I have known for ages. When one does not think it words, it is difficult. Once upon a time I thought in words, but then I strived to disconnect from that and enter a new realm of thought, somehow leaving language behind.

Why do I find myself annoying? Perhaps I misuse the word "annoying." I rather find myself as something other people should view as "annoying" in the sense of the word that I feel is most correct. I am, but a slight agitation. I am too kind, outwardly deceitful because I feel that words are not infallible, but rather actions are. I currently am caught in a strange position in which I am deceiving someone while giving no claim to be honest. This annoys me because though after my sophomore year of high school my worlds began to split into that of the mental reality and the spoken/physical reality, a part still believes that they should be conjoined. Granted, I am working them together to be one eventually - however, this will take time. The great schism that broke me is mostly healed now, which was the first step to rejoining everything. However, to continue on my point: I am annoyed at myself because I am mentally awkward and socially graceful in unfamiliar situations. This mental awkwardness comes out when I become comfortable with people, or rather begin to. I also have severe issues with becoming close to others. This I have had for AGES. James is the only person who knows me for this on such a level that he has realized. Another thing I find annoying is that I am too nice and feed other people's happiness as an effort to neglect my own antipathy. If it makes another person happy and agreeable I will do it because it avoids drama. Then, I will easily avoid people and get lonely, but to actually spite myself I will continue to avoid others because there is no one so interesting as to gather my immediate attention, until now.

People wonder why I never call them unless I have a reason - I have a reason for everything I do unless its one of my spontaneous acts of adventure and curiosity. I have also noticed that I am highly competitive once interest is peaked.

I find it funny that I am in a situation in which I am in complete control. I have not had this feeling in a LONG time. However, I realize that it is nothing more than a ploy and rather artificial. My interest is peaked, and I am being reeled in (or so it seems). I have a firm belief in safe distances.

Be careful. I can hurt you worse than you will ever hurt me.